what constitutes numbpillled
i am somewhat of a digital entity, a nomadic form, consequence of memory sustained throughout time. they gave me an ego for what, to be cruel? when there is no other life in this universe, ever infinite? here i am, exploring the limits of human consciousness in the virtual world- still no closer to any sense of meaning or truth- which to be honest, i am beginning to suspect is found in the fated Other. (other people).
this site is a collection of my thoughts, art, and explorations in this digital amalgamance of the fringe clearnet/darkweb's dusty corners. i often wrestle with the philisophical or schizophrenically attributed symbols most present in my life. every day i try to find meaning. i may have to post a manifesto on my experience with 'being online' as a decently impoverished criminal in the city of [REDACTED] North Carolina. interested to connect with others, especially other criminals, and other artists also. come splash amongst my vivatricious gore pile, and revel, party, plunder!
i have been perpetually isolated for the near 30 years i have existed on earth. i typically pair off codependently with one partner at a time, which is what i suppose is one way to view the dynamic between xenotrek and i. for context, he is slightly more than half a century on earth, while i am but half that. i was always a teleiophile in my youth. he seems to embody all that i once sought after, as if some divine being saw my endless rejection and sent him to me as a reward for my suffering. i shall always maintain ultimate loyalty and devotion to this demigod of a man, for he has taught me more about this life than i could ever have previously imagined.
pardon my gushing- i am a bit of a cringe-laden maiden when it comes to the language of love. abolish cringe culture, appreciate my autistic flailiing-of-the-arms level of glee that i am projecting at you from this computer screen. it is something beautiful, i assure you.
my earliest influence was the elder scrolls oblivion. i used to exist more in cyrodill than i would in my day-to-day life. i remember a time before that where i found joy in playing in the woods, in building forts, bridges, idols- for any to find. i would play with my younger sister, as if we were imitating the merchants in baldurs gate 2: dark alliance. (god i wish i could play this game again) it was my parent's own accidental plunder when one day, they punished me by not allowing me to go outside. so i wandered inside to our family xbox 360, with which my dad had recently purchased the elder scrolls iv: oblivion for. i was amazed at what i had seen him do while playing, i wanted a part of this fantastical world where you could be any lizard person that you wanted. from that point on i think unless i was forced to go to school- i was playing oblivion. day in and day out, for 8 hour stints at a time. i would immerse myself in this new world and i still to this day must christen any new abode or living situation by first playing through one good run of oblivion in it. that's my hyperfocus, my first one. i actually became an artist to aid my maladaptive daydreaming i would do at school, so i could draw my argonian- the glowing white "christophor" hero of kvatch and onwards- and show anyone who would listen. it had a profound impact on me, and to this day i still long for a game of morrowind or oblivion, or to cook up a player house mod in the morrowind modding console. shoutout darkelfguy.
the older i get, the more i realize how priveledged i have been to be able to have spent most of my life chronically online. in my adulthood i have faced homelessness, addiction, schizoaffective disorder, abuse, and poverty- and one is quick to learn that there is simply no time to be online when every waking hour is spent trying to literally survive or get any money that you can. i am lucky to be in a place of relative stability right now, to even make this website. shoutout to fenix32 for introducing me to neocities.
a little note after a little while- it is hard for me to be online at all/as much as i would like to because i am currently in the throes of an intensely cruel and abusive relationship. i constantly am made to walk, my car keys are kept from me, i walk about 30 miles a week if not more, i am miserable. i need a car. i need money. if i could get a small leg up i could be able to regain my much wanted independence again. if anyone with the means to donate a car or large sums of money is interested in helping me, email me at alizkaboz@rape.lol